The Rubini’s Realm

Lately I have been thinking a lot. Mostly about myself! But now, I am just confused.

‘Its human nature to think that they are right in what they are doing.’

The above statement, is it right? That’s what I observed from the people around me. Everyone thinks they are right. Even myself! But if that’s the case, who is actually wrong. Or is it necessary to have someone to be wrong? I am not sure.

Another thing that I have been pondering about is about how useless and selfish I have been. Because I thought that I was always right, I thought I was caring for everyone around me. But now, to look back to all the things that I have done, I don’t think I am a nice person. They say, ‘truth always hurts’. Guess what, to get to this truth, it really hurts.

All this while, for 21 years of my life, I have been thinking that I have been the right one. I have been thinking that I always care for people and that I don’t want to hurt anyone. But NO! That’s not me! I am not a nice person, I am not a caring person. I am SELFISH, CARELESS, USELESS!!!

I have always disappointed my loved ones. I know, its part of a relationship. But sometimes, I just cant bear the fact that I am not able to make them happy! I don’t know how to show I appreciate their care. Or could it be I don’t care? When I think like that, the only answer I can get is ‘I cant be like that’ but then later on I add ‘Can I?’. So, basically I am confused.

I have never been a good daughter to my mom. I have never been a good sister to my brother. I have never been a good friend to my best friend. I have never been any good to anyone. I know, that they all love me dearly. But why cant I be like them? Why cant I be caring enough to bear things as it is? Why?!

Sometimes, I just say out words, just because I feel like I want to say it out. Sometimes, I have a face reaction which makes it hurtful to the others. But why am I reacting emotionally and not rationally? How can I control this? How?!

The more I think of this, the more I feel I am useless. I just feel, I don’t deserve their love because I am not worth it.

But I think, there is only one solution to this. I MUST CHANGE. But here comes the problem. When I am reacting on my emotions, I don’t know it until I have done it and it has been a few days later. So, how shall I overcome this. There is one thing that comes into my mind, to just be quiet. To just accept things as it is. To not fight anything. To just go with the flow. Is this right?

Sometimes, when I make an argument, in the beginning, I feel its wrong, but later on, I convince myself that I am right! Then, when I think more and more, then I start to think, ‘Am I really right?’ then as I think more and more, ‘I am wrong’.

So, I am a confused, selfish and useless person. This is what I feel.

But I am not just going to sit here and cry about it! I hate to accept that! I am not a quitter!!

So, basically, what I am going to do is not to react immediately. Its not that I never tried this method before but I never kept myself to it. What will make me keep to it, you might ask. Well, there are more reasons now and I think I know what will make me to keep to it. I have done this once and it was successful once. So I am sure I will be able to get there.

My brother told me that he read in a book that said, if you are confused, means you are actually thinking. Hhmm … I wonder if that is actually good or bad? Hehe!

But to all the ones that I love and the ones whom love me, I am sorry for hurting you! I really regret doing it. But I will make sure that I will keep you all happy! And please forgive me! I really didn’t mean to hurt you guys. I am just ignorant and childish! I will change that! I must change that.

Not only that, I have a dream to catch! I need to be matured and able to think and able to make decisions. I need it! I have people counting on me and I cant let them down. I need to be a better person. And I will get there!