The Rubini’s Realm

Recently, my friend hand problems in her relationship. I tried helping her to solve it. I tried being there for her. But I don’t know, I still let her down somehow. But I don’t know why?

Yes I made a mistake by not burning the bread right… I mean this aggravated her anger as she was already in pain and suffering. But I just let it be. I mean, I did ask for forgiveness and I didn’t mean to have it happen like that. Then she told me that its not me that she is crying about but its her relationship.

Later in the evening she had conversation with her BF and finally they ended up saying break-up. Fine!

And I just helped her to call him and try to talk to him and see if this is misunderstanding and turns out to be it is. But it seems that he is just not a confident person. And he is just scared of so many things.

But later after talking through everything between him and my friend, things still was left hanging. Then, it was time to eat, I just asked her what she wants to eat. She said she has no mood.

Now, if it’s a true friend, what will that friend do? I am really not sure. Should I argue back and say to eat? Well, I tried, but the reply that I got is, ‘Can you just let me be sad? You just don’t understand what I am going through’

Oh those bloody words can poke through your heart so deep!!

But I just don’t want to say anything more, because I don’t want to worry her anymore. I don’t want to be another burden to her sorrows.

But I am still not sure if I did the right things.

Am I suppose to just watch my friend not eating and crying??!!!! It doesn’t sound right, but last time when this happened, I was told that I should just leave her as she is and she will come back to her right mind and she will know how to take care of herself.

Arrghh … why has it got to be so complicated .. !!!!

I guess she is just too stressed at the moment!!! But I still dont know what I should do as a friend.

I just read articles on these 2 diseases. And guess what, I am the most unlucky person to get these diseases. I don’t know why is it me!!!!Why these diseases chose me. Ofcourse, its not deadly but it can never be cured according to the medicals. Why???!!!!!

I don’t understand. Ever since I was young, I have been a sick child. I have so many problems in my body, sometimes, I just cant understand how can I attract these diseases to me. When I was at that age, I had no idea there were so many diseases, but still, it chose me!!

Oh, I don’t know. I am just so fed up and sad. And guess what, if its not under control, it will spread all over your body. Arrghh … I just … arrghhh !!!!

Lately I have been thinking a lot. Mostly about myself! But now, I am just confused.

‘Its human nature to think that they are right in what they are doing.’

The above statement, is it right? That’s what I observed from the people around me. Everyone thinks they are right. Even myself! But if that’s the case, who is actually wrong. Or is it necessary to have someone to be wrong? I am not sure.

Another thing that I have been pondering about is about how useless and selfish I have been. Because I thought that I was always right, I thought I was caring for everyone around me. But now, to look back to all the things that I have done, I don’t think I am a nice person. They say, ‘truth always hurts’. Guess what, to get to this truth, it really hurts.

All this while, for 21 years of my life, I have been thinking that I have been the right one. I have been thinking that I always care for people and that I don’t want to hurt anyone. But NO! That’s not me! I am not a nice person, I am not a caring person. I am SELFISH, CARELESS, USELESS!!!

I have always disappointed my loved ones. I know, its part of a relationship. But sometimes, I just cant bear the fact that I am not able to make them happy! I don’t know how to show I appreciate their care. Or could it be I don’t care? When I think like that, the only answer I can get is ‘I cant be like that’ but then later on I add ‘Can I?’. So, basically I am confused.

I have never been a good daughter to my mom. I have never been a good sister to my brother. I have never been a good friend to my best friend. I have never been any good to anyone. I know, that they all love me dearly. But why cant I be like them? Why cant I be caring enough to bear things as it is? Why?!

Sometimes, I just say out words, just because I feel like I want to say it out. Sometimes, I have a face reaction which makes it hurtful to the others. But why am I reacting emotionally and not rationally? How can I control this? How?!

The more I think of this, the more I feel I am useless. I just feel, I don’t deserve their love because I am not worth it.

But I think, there is only one solution to this. I MUST CHANGE. But here comes the problem. When I am reacting on my emotions, I don’t know it until I have done it and it has been a few days later. So, how shall I overcome this. There is one thing that comes into my mind, to just be quiet. To just accept things as it is. To not fight anything. To just go with the flow. Is this right?

Sometimes, when I make an argument, in the beginning, I feel its wrong, but later on, I convince myself that I am right! Then, when I think more and more, then I start to think, ‘Am I really right?’ then as I think more and more, ‘I am wrong’.

So, I am a confused, selfish and useless person. This is what I feel.

But I am not just going to sit here and cry about it! I hate to accept that! I am not a quitter!!

So, basically, what I am going to do is not to react immediately. Its not that I never tried this method before but I never kept myself to it. What will make me keep to it, you might ask. Well, there are more reasons now and I think I know what will make me to keep to it. I have done this once and it was successful once. So I am sure I will be able to get there.

My brother told me that he read in a book that said, if you are confused, means you are actually thinking. Hhmm … I wonder if that is actually good or bad? Hehe!

But to all the ones that I love and the ones whom love me, I am sorry for hurting you! I really regret doing it. But I will make sure that I will keep you all happy! And please forgive me! I really didn’t mean to hurt you guys. I am just ignorant and childish! I will change that! I must change that.

Not only that, I have a dream to catch! I need to be matured and able to think and able to make decisions. I need it! I have people counting on me and I cant let them down. I need to be a better person. And I will get there!

Well, to prove that I am working on my photography skills, here are some of the pics that I have taken and let me know how it is, alright?

I would like to show just one first. As this is auto but I would like comments on the angle and the way the photo was taken.

It’s a beautiful lake surrounded by greeneries. This is in Regent Park. We went picnic there. Its really a beautiful place. I actually took more pics than this as its really irresistible!! Anyways, what do you think?!

This is a nice pic of the flowers in Regent Park. Beautiful!

Another Flower!

I like this pic … I feel everything is very nicely arranged in the pic but please, if you think otherwise, let me know where I can improve

At the moment I am practicing in using aperture priority with the guidance of the magazine that teaches skills. I find it really helpful! It’s the Practical Photography Magazine. I am also reading books such as ‘Foundation course: Photography’ by Peter Cattrell which explains more general information of photography. It has a little of the history of photography which I find interesting and also techniques and all the angles that can be used. Its just like learning drawing art or architecture where you need to know a few of this things to help you improve in composing a photo. In that book, there is something that said, anyone can take a picture but to make it outstanding is the art of a photographer. And I will be that!

MAY ….The month full of surprises!

First surprise …

My mom, bro and best friend, Jocelyn, shared together and got me a DSLR camera - Nikon D40. Can you believe it? I cant! Even now, the thought of owning a DSLR camera, is just … NO NO … this is a dream … can this really be happening? This is what keeps coming in my mind. But also, it’s a little difficult to accept the fact because I don’t feel I deserve it. I mean, I feel I have not been a good girl. I have hurt them all in some way and for them to treat me like this… No, I must say that I am lucky! I mean, I really don’t deserve it. I made them cry, I disappointed them … I just cant accept the present. But I know, they all love me so much. So, what I will do, is to make them proud. I will make sure that I master my skills in this field and I shall take photography seriously as this present is an expensive one.

Second surprise …

My uncle in Germany gave a surprise by buying a cake for me when I was there. It was a nice moment. I just feel I am so blessed. He treated me really well!

Third surprise …

My company, they bought so many earrings and bought me a purse and a notebook. It was really nice of them. I was really lucky to be part of that company. They all treat me so nice. I will never forget those moments that I have spent in that company. This one year experience, will last a life long.

Fourth surprise …

My managing director sent me a birthday card to my house by post. Now, which MD would do that? I am truly blessed. I was so surprised that I would receive such a card from her. She is really nice. I like her.

So, you see, I am truly blessed.

Thank you to all my loved ones … Without you guys … I would be a miserable and useless human being. THANK YOU …. AND I LOVE YOU ALL VERY VERY VERY MUCH …. MMMMUUAAKKKZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!

Hi people! Here is another poem from me! Hope you guys will like it. Now once again, this is just an imagination and the message that is conveyed is nothing related to me, alright?

Its time,
To say goodbye now
We have come to a route
Where its too narrow
And there’s space
Only for one to travel

Will our path meet again
It’s a question
Left unresolved
But will it ever be answered
I leave it to you

Leaving you
Is a disaster
That has strike me
Have I survived
Just merely

Its been years now
You are there
And I am here
Our vantage point
Is just about to arrive

My eagerness to see you
To hold you
To feel you
To hear your voice
Is a blissful dream
That is about to come true

You have changed
Over the years
Of separation
You are not you anymore,
Is this the person I loved

Oh, it hurts,
My heart
Been squeezed
Its stopped pumping
Hope to revive it
Is left just as another hope

All these years,
Why did I hold it
Deep it inside
Keeping all that hope
For both of us
Bearing the pain
That distance has given me
Why, oh why?

Don’t you value me
Anymore
What have I done wrong
Loving you,
All it seems now
Is a sin!!!!

I am told,
I am inutile
By you,
My love
What is there
That I should do,
To impress you
Cant you see?
Cant you see, my dear?
The weeping of the sky
The tears that flows
Down the mountain
All this effort,
Will it go futile
Without your acknowledgement
Would it disappoint me
I try to be endeavouring
I try to be close
I try and try and try
Once again,
It goes unnoticed
You, reverting back to me,
“What’s wrong with you?”
My heart bleeds to see
My attempts disregarded
Is there that much of pain,
That I spill upon you
That none of my undertakings
Spreads deviation to you
Now,
All I have become,
A silent soul
Not you, not anyone,
Do I express to …
Not to blame anyone
But myself
For not understanding
The difference
Between the sky and the earth
Between smart and unintelligent
*END*

So, what do you all think? Well, I must admit that its a negative poem. Well, I was desperate to tell one poem and I just had this easy. Its sad as well. But dun think that I am sad though. haha … Dont judge me from this poem .. its just that I have lost my talent of writing a poem and I just wanted to come out with one … Anyways, please comment THanks

The Story of Dublin, Ireland

Dublin city …. What shall I say .. its beautiful but to the utmost beauty that I have seen… there are greenies but not to the extent to which I would recommend the most outstanding ones…

Day 1 (19^th March)

Left home at 4.30am to catch the bus to airport. Arrived in the airport and met our other 3 friends, Hui Bee, Pei Man and Bee Peng. Our flight was at 6.50am. We straight checked in using a machine and headed to the boarding area. The boarding gate did not open till it was nearly 30min to closing time. Can you believe it? Well, I guess its because there was not many people boarding the flight so there is no need to start the boarding very early.

Inside the flight, it was really small. There was only 3 seats at each side of the aisle. It wasn’t really that comfortable to sleep there as we were the last back seats and we couldn’t really lean our seat behind. Arriving Dublin International Airport, we straight headed out of the airport and bought the 3 Day Ramble ticket for the bus.

Arrived to the hotel, the room was fantastic. There were 2 single bed and one double bed as it was a Quad Room. Everything was just perfect. Once we were all ready to get rolling, we left to see the Guinness Storehouse. Mainly, this place just tells you the history of Guinness Draught and how Sir Guinness got into this and made it popular. So, it was alright. Then when we reached the top of the tower, we were all offered a pint of Guinness. I tell you guys, it was utterly bitter. It was tasting horrible (no offence to Guinness lovers, its just that I am not used to drinking alcohol). Hehehe!!!! It took us quite some time to finish the Guinness tour that we felt hungry once we reached the top and so we made our way to find a restaurant to have our lunch. It was already 3pm and we had our lunch in an Italian restaurant. Then, we visited the Christ Church Cathedral. It was one of the oldest Cathedral but to be honest it wasn’t something unique from the rest of the cathedrals in UK, but still, we took some pictures just around the place.

That was pretty much what we did.

Day 2 (20^th March)

I was the first to wake up as I was having trouble sleeping with my phlegm stuck in my nose and lungs. I did not have my medicine the night before and I was having some difficulty in breathing. So, I thought, might as well wake up and get freshed up. Everyone was not ready to wake up yet as it was just 6am and we needed to leave the place at 9am. So, then I went back to sleep. And then, one by one, we all started waking up. Had our breakfast in the room and made our way to Dublin Castle. Only part of the castle was still alive and the remaining is either demolished because of war or used as parliament building.

Then we visited the Trinity College. Just took some photographs. Then we went to the Kilmainhom Jail. I must admit it was a little scary and when I imagine the prisoners that has lived there, it must be really sad. One, there was no heater, and two, they didn’t have good cloths to keep them warm.

We went back to the city to have our lunch. We looked for a restaurant in specific but we were not able to find and therefore we just went into a restaurant and had our lunch. It was ok. Later on we went to the Powerscourt House. It was a house built by some guy. But I am not really sure about this one. Anyways, we went shopping after that. There were a lot of shops around. But one thing to mention, things there are much more expensive then here in UK. After shopping, we went to the room and freshen up and left to The Temple Bar. It was one of the most famous bar. We went there, but we didn’t drink anything. Instead, we took pictures and went to the opposite ice cream shop and at ice cream. Hahahaha!!! On our way back to the hotel, we passed by the river, River Liffey. It was just a river that is in the middle of the city. It was just like in London and Paris. I wonder why does all this cities are famous and they have the river passing in between. Weird!

Day 3 (21^st March)

We went to the Dun Laoghire pronounced as ‘Dun Leary’ by train. Dun Laoghire is a port. We were able to see the sea. It was a nice time because there was sun shine though it is forecasted that there will be rain. It was very cold though. Then we came back to the city centre and took a bus to Powerscourt (Wicklow Mountain). The scenery there was magnificent. It was really nice but guess what, it was freezing up there. We went to the Powerscourt House and spent some time there just browsing around. There was a garden that we had to pay to see but we did not do that as we felt the weather was not nice and plus its just winter and there wouldn’t be anything so nice with the gardens. There are some sculptures and that’s it. The house is made out of granite stone, that was the unique thing about the house. Then we went back down to city centre and back to hotel and then we went out for dinner. The restaurant name was Fitzers. It was one of the restaurants that was advertised as a nice place to dine in the Airflight magazine and so made our decision to do so. It was really expensive there. But that was ok, just once in a blue moon. Unfortunately, we were not allowed to have alcohol as it was Good Friday. Later the night, we had no where to go and so wanted to go back to hotel and play some games and get drunk but no shops sold any alcohol due to Good Friday.

Anyways, we went back and ended the day there.

Day 4 (22^nd March)

Our last day. We checked out in the morning itself and left our luggages there itself. Then went to the Malahide Castle. The nice part is, the descendent of this castle is still alive. The castle was built by the Talbot family but now its owned by the City Council for tourist purpose. The only descendent, Lady Rosemary, is at her 95 years, living in Tasmania. The reason for her to leave the place is because she was the only one from that family who was still living and she didn’t have enough money to pay the Heritage Tax which was very high and moved to Tasmania, another house that the family owns. Another sad thing is that she is not married which means there is no descendent after her and she is the last one L. Quite sad to hear that. But the castle wasn’t very big. Its very small. In the dining room, you can see a long table, and that’s where the 14 members of the family had their breakfast before going for the Battle of Boyne in those days. In the end, none of them returned. Very sad indeed! Unfortunately, in the castle we were not allowed to take any pics. And another unusual thing about this castle is that, they built a doorway of 4 ft just for a ghost. They said, that the ghost was only 4 ft. The ghost will only come out when it feels unhappy with the way people are treating the castle. We were shocked when we heard this. I mean, a doorway just for the ghost?!!

We came back to the city and had McDonalds. I know, of all things why had McD? Well, we felt that was the best choice ;).

Then we went to hotel and got our stuff and waited for the bus.

Now, another unexpected event happened here. Hui Bee got robbed. It was really ridiculous. She saw the thief took out his hand off her bag and she was certain that he took her money but she was checking again and again until she was very certain that he was the one. But we missed him by that time. He actually got into the bus and once he knows that we know, he faster went out. But lucky there was not much loss. Just money!

Well, learned a lesson there. For all of us!

This was all Dublin was about. In total, it was a pleasant holiday. J I enjoyed myself and I am sure the rest did so too! It was great travelling with these companions. J Hope there will be future travelling together

Busy Busy Busy …..

Well, its just been 2 days of work but there are lots of work that needs to be done. Arrgghhhh ….

I can’t really stand it. Plus, when Christine, my supervisor, gives me work after work, I feel very angry at her. I nearly showed my angry face to her. Anyways, I was able to suppress that inside me. But there are absolutely loads of work that should be done. I really hope that I can finish it by this week because next week I am only going to work for Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday ….. IRELAND!!!!! Hehehehehe!!!

Anyways, my manager said, if all the invoices and ledgers are up to date then there is no problem in going for holidays. Or else I also don’t know what to do because Christine and I, both of us are taking holiday. And its just the 2 of us who work on the overseas invoices. So, that’s why, its really really important that I get this all done by this week.

I guess if by tomorrow I don’t get things done according to my plan, then I will have to work extra hours like last week. OH NO!!!!

Anyways, I think it will be alright though. I think I can finish them in time. Not to worry!!! I am just panicking with a little excitement in the corner.

By the way, guess what people, yesterday, it was a horrible terrible weather. The wind was blowing until people can fly. Can you believe that?!! Haha! But that was not in my area, it was more to the south part. Even Europe, like France and other countries were affected by this storm. Lucky me, that I repaired my umbrella during the weekend. Or else, I would be soaked. But you know what, I was really pissed yesterday. Because, for a start, the day did not start right.

The whole night, I was not sleeping well because I was having asthma attack. But I really don’t understand why I can get the asthma attack. Because I have been taking medicines properly and avoiding all the cooling stuff and have been using the preventer inhaler. I was really cautious. But somehow I still get it. Anyways, it was just for that night. When I woke up, I faster took the wheezing medicine that my mom bought from the clinic in Malaysia. So I was able to calm it down a little. Then I tried my best to exercise good breathing. And by the end of the day, it was gone. Isn’t that great!!! Anyways, let me continue. Well I left the house at 5.30am. I waited for the bus for nearly 40mins. 2 busses had not come. Isn’t that ridiculous?!! Man, I was waiting in that cold and wet weather… damn!! Anyways, after that reached the train station and guess what …. My train was cancelled. I just cant take it. But I had no choice but to get the next train. So, I reached my office very late. But luckily, when it was time to go back, the weather wasn’t that bad and so I reached home in time. So, thank GOD for that!

But basically I am very tired today. So, I guess I will finish it till here! GOOD NIGHT!

Hey people … hello again to you all !!

Well … life has been extremely, tremendously, staggeringly busy. Ever since I came back, this is the first time I actually felt like pulling out my hair and screaming out loud. Guess why??! My work has been very tough and too much. I have been working almost the whole week for extra half an hour. Now, I know this might not seem as a big difference to you guys, but trust me, when you travel the distance that I am doing everyday, you would. But anyways, in general, I am really happy. My heart everytime felt very light and joyful. I guess, I can say, I was simply happy. Hehe!!

Anyways, I have found a new route to my work from the train station. Usually I take a 30 min walk, which is the same for the new route as well. The only difference is the view. I must say, the view is just so refreshing. I see ducks and birds flying and there is a lake and there are very very wide greeneries. I just feel that I am in fantasy world when I walk that path. And when I walk that path, all I feel I want to do, is sit there and write blog, or sit there and just admire the nature. Sometimes, when I walk, I see ducklings communicating to each other, sometimes I see them playing and chasing each other. It’s just wonderful. I am really glad that I found this place. Every morning, I just feel that I am very fortunate to experience all this. When I just think of that place, my heart jumps with a felicitous feeling.

You know, even my colleague, Anjani at work has been saying that there is something special about me lately. She asked me if I was in love. Lol!! Well, I AM IN LOVE, in love with the nature and the beautiful life that I pass through each day.

By the way, I took a few pictures of that place, but I don’t think it conveys much of the stuff that I have said. I know people say that pictures conveys more than words, well, I guess the way I took the picture is not right. One, I took it with my mobile camera, and that makes the place look dull, the sun rays and the other factors did not fall well in to that camera screen . Anyways, you guys just have a look la and just imagine a bit more about the pic and maybe you will be able to see

This is a picture of the lake … beautiful na?!!

This is another pic of the lake .. with ducklings swimming …

the path where i walk every morning accompanied by the natures utmost beauty …

the greeniesssssss …

Very nice na the place … I just love it ..

By the way, I miss my dad. Yesterday when I was on my way back home, I thought of him. I just missed him. Nothing sad or happy. But I just felt like I missed talking to him and seeing him smile and ‘smoking’. I know, smoking of all things. Well, anyways, I just felt that.

Lately, I have been reading a book about Jesus. Everyday, I travel in the train, I read this. And the author said that sometimes what we feel unfair might not really be the case. The example that he gave was, a vineyard owner. He has so many labours. In those days, there were slavery and stuff. So anyways, there were this few bunch of people who had no specific work. And its not that they don’t try but its because they were slaves that they don’t really get paid. So, this people, they went to this owner and asked if they could work there for the day. And the owner said yes. And they came in late anyway because they were finding many places and stuff and finally got this owner. And every labour gets paid daily. So, this workers who were temporary, they got paid first in the row despite the rest who has been working the whole day. And also, the temporary workers got paid more than the daily workers. Now, many might think that the owner is not being fair. But in the book, it says, that the owner is being generous and kind. He gave the temporary workers first and more than the daily workers because they are in need of it. They are more desperate than the daily workers. That’s why. But in the eyes of the daily workers, it will seem unfair. But its fair to the temporary. That’s what it said. So, I was just thinking, that people generally think that life is unfair. Well, after reading this, it just made me question, ‘is that really true?’ Why is unfair, just because someone else gets something? Isn’t that named jealous? Hhmm.. what is the meaning of jealous?

According to the dictionary, jealous means ‘Showing extreme cupidity; painfully desirous of another’s advantages’

So, does that mean, that the world is actually fair? Hhmm ….